(me at johnny's bar in the village, sophie and i in black in white at "fat black", amanda with her brilliant red hair and i, matthew)
I have never been one that has welcomed changes with open arms. Perhaps because the changes that have occured in my life have not always been so pleasant, lost of loss. I once was told that excitement and anxiety were the same emotion, it's just that one is a pleasant feeling and the other is terrifying.
I am having both of those sides of that emotion these days.
Matthew and I are going our separate ways. We mutually decided this six weeks ago. It's ok. We are both the best of friends; perhaps just friends. Which is perhaps the reason we have decided to separate. Our five years together have shown us that there is nothing better then being friends with your partner, but that even with a close friendship sometimes their are those pesky irreconcilable differences that those gossip mags mention in all of those countless celebrity divorces.
Matt and I are a total comfort to each other, but we have different needs right now. We are the ones conforting each other in this, no one else. No one seems to understand us quite the way the other does, which makes this all the more frightening.
If you saw the break-up up close you would see how utterly odd we are and why we are best friends. We are moving out our our apartment December 1. He will move to Brooklyn, I will move to the Upper West Side in the city (rent controlled, thank god). For now, we are enjoying our last days under the same roof together. We have cooked dinner with each other every night discussing politics, food, and our love of the neighborhood (we are both very sad to leave the village) and for each other. We still cuddle and hold each other on the couch making promises that we will be committed friends and confidants. We still stay up talking until three in the morning and laugh at our inside jokes.
I know, some of you might say, "then why split?"
Trust us. We both ask ourselves this question and each other this question these past six weeks.
We both are feeling a loss of identity. We have been taking care of each other for a half a decade and have sometimes forgotten to ask ourselves what we want for ourselves. On the shallow side, he won't quit smoking (which drives me nuts) and I won't stop nagging him about that (and that drives him nuts).
So maybe this isn't forever, but it is for right now. There is no need for sympathy, Matt and I got it right. It has made us both embrace the idea of commitment, partnership and friendship. It has reaffirmed that I don't suck at relationships and that I could spend the rest of my life with one person.
For now, for once, it's not about dating new men for me, or longing to be in love or another relationship. I would like to nurture the new and old friends that I have, go to shows, go museums, get my hair and nails done ever week (I can now with my raise and promotion!), I would like to finally learn Spanish, keep going to gym 3-4 times a week. In the New Year I would like to drink hot cocoa with Ama on my couch, write Kelly a letter (a real letter not an email like she always make time to do), go dancing with Amanda and Sophie as much as possible, play drums as often as I can with as many people as I can, do my art projects with Sandra (aka "Pants") and of course, spoil myself rotten...
And maybe the love that I have always wanted (not perfect, but real and strong) will come to me again.
