Totally Crushed Out.

(view from my offices, me staring and dreaming...)
I feel like I am wide awake these days.

Which is really frightening and so exciting at the same time. I feel really focused on my job (which it turns out that I am really good at), on playing music again (with the beautiful sophie, the talented ralph, and artistic matthew), about getting in shape (I LOVE my gym!).

I don't know, I guess change was necessary.

It doesn't mean I don't stare out of my bedroom window and cry from time to time wondering...about everything.

But for now, I am enjoying flirting (and kissing again), and daydreaming...M

Changes...

(me at johnny's bar in the village, sophie and i in black in white at "fat black", amanda with her brilliant red hair and i, matthew)

I have never been one that has welcomed changes with open arms. Perhaps because the changes that have occured in my life have not always been so pleasant, lost of loss. I once was told that excitement and anxiety were the same emotion, it's just that one is a pleasant feeling and the other is terrifying.

I am having both of those sides of that emotion these days.

Matthew and I are going our separate ways. We mutually decided this six weeks ago. It's ok. We are both the best of friends; perhaps just friends. Which is perhaps the reason we have decided to separate. Our five years together have shown us that there is nothing better then being friends with your partner, but that even with a close friendship sometimes their are those pesky irreconcilable differences that those gossip mags mention in all of those countless celebrity divorces.

Matt and I are a total comfort to each other, but we have different needs right now. We are the ones conforting each other in this, no one else. No one seems to understand us quite the way the other does, which makes this all the more frightening.
If you saw the break-up up close you would see how utterly odd we are and why we are best friends. We are moving out our our apartment December 1. He will move to Brooklyn, I will move to the Upper West Side in the city (rent controlled, thank god). For now, we are enjoying our last days under the same roof together. We have cooked dinner with each other every night discussing politics, food, and our love of the neighborhood (we are both very sad to leave the village) and for each other. We still cuddle and hold each other on the couch making promises that we will be committed friends and confidants. We still stay up talking until three in the morning and laugh at our inside jokes.
I know, some of you might say, "then why split?"
Trust us. We both ask ourselves this question and each other this question these past six weeks.
We both are feeling a loss of identity. We have been taking care of each other for a half a decade and have sometimes forgotten to ask ourselves what we want for ourselves. On the shallow side, he won't quit smoking (which drives me nuts) and I won't stop nagging him about that (and that drives him nuts).
So maybe this isn't forever, but it is for right now. There is no need for sympathy, Matt and I got it right. It has made us both embrace the idea of commitment, partnership and friendship. It has reaffirmed that I don't suck at relationships and that I could spend the rest of my life with one person.
For now, for once, it's not about dating new men for me, or longing to be in love or another relationship. I would like to nurture the new and old friends that I have, go to shows, go museums, get my hair and nails done ever week (I can now with my raise and promotion!), I would like to finally learn Spanish, keep going to gym 3-4 times a week. In the New Year I would like to drink hot cocoa with Ama on my couch, write Kelly a letter (a real letter not an email like she always make time to do), go dancing with Amanda and Sophie as much as possible, play drums as often as I can with as many people as I can, do my art projects with Sandra (aka "Pants") and of course, spoil myself rotten...
And maybe the love that I have always wanted (not perfect, but real and strong) will come to me again.

My brothers

(Mondrian at vet school in Florida, Matisse's house in Atlanta with one of his sons Justin in the front)
I am very proud of my brothers.
Of course anyone that knows me for more then one hour will know that fact. I am like a Jewish grandmother gloating over my their accomplishments, "Listen this isn't going to be a megile but did you hear? Mondrian got accepted into the vet school. Yes, it's one of the best vet schools in the country, but then, he is so very brilliant" and "have you seen Matisse's new house in Atlanta, it's GORGEOUS! So many rooms, he could fit a platoon in that house, and he has a pond in the back, can you IMAGINE a pond in the back yard!? No in New York I tell you I can even fit my khazeray in my pisk!"

I am a little proud of myself too. after seven short months at Columbia Artists Management LLC I have been promoted (mo'money and better title). I am now an Associate Producer. Cool. It seems that my boss (as crazy as he is) sees that I have it in me to become a successful producer...i like the idea of become a power player in the entertainment world, but it must be coupled with creativity otherwise it would be meaningless to me.

I of course am still trying to figure out what lights "my fire."
My fire hasn't been lit in long time. Sometimes I feel it coming back, when I walk around the village on the way to the gym or getting a cup of coffee. There is such a romantic feeling I get. I can't quite figure out what it is...

So Distracted, All of the time.

(more pics from da'party...)

I am very distracted lately and apparently looking to be distracted further. It's hard for me to concentrate because there is so much going on. It's fall time in New York with Spring like weather, so that's not helping much either. I can't put my finger on it, but I think it has something to do with the change of seasons....
It's not the job.
The job is good...My boss has become dependent upon me lately which is very nice in the sense that in a world were there is no such thing as job security this offers me a small, albeit tiny, safety net.
It's not for lack of things to do.
Last night I went to my friend Amanda's husbands television preview at the Museum of Radio and Television. It was really beautiful, articulate and honest. Amanda and Jay are such wonderful support systems to each other, they are each others confidants, and their honesty with each other with inspiring and moving.
Sitting next to Amanda in the theatre it was so wild to see this screen siren that she is on screen, and the shy women sitting next holding her jacket over her eyes cringing every time she came on screen. She has NO idea how beautiful she is (just like the majority of my girlfriends...) If you all have the Sundance Channel you will be able to see it on December 13, 2006. It's called "One Punk, Under God."
I went to Joshua's and Sandra's house after and watched the Mets game with them and Ralph. It's amazing how much pride I felt for The Mets. Something about living in NY for four years gets into your blood and the next thing you know you yelling at the TV screen and hi fiving people...Me? Yes. Weird.
Today I sat at La Rue 57 with Sophie at the bar chatting about passion and um, passion. "One can never have too much passion" Sophie says in her gorgeous French accent. Of course it attracts men like honey and the beautiful man sitting next to us starting talking to Sophie in French, with in sheer seconds he gave her his phone number...this is a typical afternoon for Sophie. She folded the number and waited until we got out side to put it in the trash can.
There has been many other odd things a foot. Things I feel I must censor as not to get myself in trouble (or judged- no, I have been that bad...but you know...I older so I am becoming a little more private;). But if you really want to know you can always call me. I am always up for a good round of gossip...xo. M

make new friends, but keep the old...

(party at george's house last friday- don't worry, I don't really smoke!)
I was a brownie (yes, I know I am still a "brownie," I'm not taking about my ethnic background). Not a girlscout, but a brownie. I didn't want to "cross the bridge" and become a girlscout (for those of you that were brownies you know what I am talking about). I thought baking cookies, and singing weird songs with my fellow 3rd graders was good enough. One of the songs we always sang was "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold." Well since I have been living in New York I have made a lot of new friends, who I just love. But I always miss my old friends, who are much more like family, and who I always call to talk to about the most mundane things that some how make us laugh, because there is so much history between us that we know exactly why we are laughing.
It's equally exciting to met new friends so that you can discover and rediscover parts of your personality that you thought you left behind, or to discover just how much you have grown.

"Trust no one"

(Yes, I love my cat...)
"Trust no one." These are words from my boss, Mr. Grossman, at 9:00am on a Tuesday morning. Christian, my co-worker and I are called into his office. He starts with a lecture, or a "little story" as he says. He talks about the "business" and how everyone one is out to get you and screw you over...
Coupled by this lecture on paranoia, we sit in office that faces the whole of Broadway; not that you could see it. His shades are drawn, he doesn't like the sun light. Our chairs face away from the window and their is only a small light on his desk that reflect off my glasses.
He is wearing all black, black Armani suit, black Etro shirt, black socks, and black Tod's shoes. The man in black, with OCD.
He is trying to assure Christian and I that even though this business is full of scoundrels (eh, hem, kettle.calling.black) that we are in luck because he is the countries most successful concert producer and we in turn will one day be too....um, because of him, he never lets us forget that, because of him, we will be successful, and learn not to trust people...Weird.

My night was much better. I met up with Sophie, Matt, and by coincidence Adam at the Pub across the street from my house. I love this Pub, if only because it is called "The Fat Black Pussy Cat." Dennis, a pub regular, (old skool Brooklyn Italian, very Joe Pesci) told us a couple of jokes (he literally says "Bada Bing, Bada Boom); then Sophie and I swapped office gossip stories, (her boss is just extravagant as mine, but a little more suave). Amanda (she has the most gorgeous head of read hair!) joined us and we all headed to Joshua and Pants' house in Soho. Joshua and Pants (her real name is Sandra, but got the nickname "Pants" from Joshua, because apparently she wears the pants in the relationship. Love it). They are both brillant photographers, who are newly engaged. Their house always becomes an imprompt to party, which they always love and welcome. I have enlisted their services to work together on creative projects, and they have enlisted by services to help with the business side of their, well, business...if you get a chance check out Joshua's work Beso. M

Tats Cru: Tools: Paint, Nozzles, Gas Mask

Nosm of Tats Cru describes some of the essential tools used to create graffiti art. For more info on the tats cru go to http://www.tatscru.com. M

Tats Cru: The Basics: Lettering and Hand Style

BG 183, Nosm, and the other members of the Tats Cru graffiti collective introduce some of the basic skills in graffiti art. Includes defintions of "tag," "throw up," "simple style," and "wild style."

"if you fail to plan, you plan to fail"

(mural in Williamsburg,bk last fall)

I took a late lunch yesterday, and when to the sushi restaurant across the street from Carnegie Hall. Read the paper, had a glass of wine and received this fortune, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
Great.
I am a crappy planner.
I tried planning early in my life. I wanted to be worshipped like Greta Garbo, were the audience waited with baited breath to find out what she sounded like (as she had only done silent movies for most of her career). Then upon hearing her sultry voice they were mesmorized.
It was not to be. I found two things about myself. I wasn't sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life pretending to be someone else(while living in poverty) and I don't like actors (this will be explained at a later date).
I didn't plan to be a religion major in college. I didn't plan to be a waitress for 5 years after college. I didn't plan to run a nightclub in Atlanta, or run my own business in New York, and I CERTAINLY didn't plan to go into Classical music management, we're now I work with Marvin "Chorus Line" Hamlisch, Bill "Rocky" Conti, and Peter "Last Picture Show" Bagdonovich. I didn't plan to fall in love with a German graffiti artist while I was still in love with my current boyfriend.
I am not sure what you can plan for. Even planning to pay bills is tricky (especially in new York).
Beso Beso

Central Park and Champagne

(Picture above are: Bethesda Fountain in Central Park and My two nephew from my brother matisse and his wife holly: justin & carter)

Robert and I went to central park yesterday to lunch with a bottle to champagne and our picnic food from whole foods. We were celebrating his new job. He will be the operations manager for a youth orchestra in New York and this is a fantastic opportunity for him. I have a few job opportunities on the horizon, none of which I will mention yet (as I don't want to jinx them!).
Robert has been a very close friend in only four month as we bonded over stress, healthy foods, and boys. We have, in a sense, a slightly prestigious job. Our orchestras and performers are some of the top performers in the world, our boss has work with and managed everyone from Rudolf Nureyev to Martin Scorsese. Yes, I am impressed by this, but I am not impressed by him. He has taught Robert and I about everything we don't want to be in this business of entertainment: Impatient, Delusional, Rude, Condescending....oh, and Crazy (not crazy like me Ama, but crazy like a serial killer).
As Robert and I sat in the park, we felt like we could do anything, that doors are about to spring open, and that artistic opportunities would flow out of Bethesda's arms; that we would eventually find a job in NY that didn't have a nerotic boss and that we might be able to work with the artists that we have always dreamed of working with...(that would be Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders for me).
My interviews are next week...wish me luck.

Hot Cup of Crazy

(Pictures above: Matt & I in-front of the "LOVE" sign in NYC. Tanya, Adam, Suzanne, and I in Chicago during Mondrian's Wedding Weekend. "The Gates" in Central Park Winter 2005)
I've had four different men cause me undue stress in the last five days: three of them where vagrants in my neighborhood, and the other one was my boss.
The first man was on the corner of 6th and Bleeker in the Village near my house. Matt and I were holding hands going to get a cupcake at Magnolia bakery. "Hey, man, give me some change." I have had many folks ask me for money before, but never demand it.
I said, "Sorry man." He said, "I wasn't talking to you ho."
Ho! Ho? Ho?!?! Wow. I would have turned around and cussed him out, but he had a crazy look in his eye, so I thought I would leave it be.
The other two men harassed me within a 24 hour period. One this past Saturday afternoon coming back from the gym. This man was older, homeless and sitting on the stoop of the corner grocery store asked me for change. I ignored him, trying to avoid eliciting another hate-laced, "I wasn't talking to you ho" response. But by ignoring this man I got an angry, "Whaddya too good for me bitch?"
I wiped around, "WHAT?!?!?"
"That's right, you heard me, you f*%king b*$ch! Why don't you go and suck a *(@)!"
"WHAT!?!?"
Now, listen, I know, NYC has it's stress and I know that people tell each other to go f&*k them selves all the time, but come on, I lived in Brooklyn for almost four years and I have never been harassed like this.
This morning alone I sat in the subway reading (flipping through) a really fantastic novel (Bazaar Magazine) and a man reached toward me with a pamphlet in his hand titled, "If you think it's hot here, try HELL."
He said, "I think you need this."
"No thank you" I said walking away from him.
"Do you not want to except Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?"
"Um, hmmm, I'm ok. Thanks." As I begin to walk away he said,
"No your NOT! Take the pamphlet b*tch."
What?!?!?
I told him, "That's not very Christian of you."

I don't know why I attract "the crazy," but I do.
I have always had (have) compassion for those less fortunate and those that are going through difficult times; I think it is easier to be compassionate to those folks, but what about those that act that way and have $18,000 worth of shoes and are the male version of Anna Wintour?
That would be my boss. He bangs on the desks like a child whining and all the while demanding phone numbers for his minute to minute phone appointments, for his car to be serviced, to schedule his weekly $600 haircuts, and his OCD behavior has made me realize this world is run by children, and not the good kind. Babies with short fuses. I am one the lucky ones as I am not his personal assistant, but a "colleague" (his word).
All of this has made realize that there is only one thing to do in this life: follow your dreams, and don't drink the (crazy) kool-aid.

Born today...In Denver, Co...

Kelly told me my last post was too negative (that's because she is one of my friends that's always a ray of sunshine even in dark days...Which by no coincidence her middle name is "Rae."). So, I thought I would reflect a little today since it's my birthday and now that I am firmly planted in the third decade of my life, I thought I would focus on the positive...
hmmm...This is hard...Ok. I can do this...
I had wonderfully birthday wishes today from all over the country from dear dear old friends like Dave S. And Brent (aka fu), text messages and songs (Suzanne always sings the best happy birthday song to me).
And of course Matt has called me all day to make sure I am enjoying my birthday (because I am work today and he knows I work the Prince of Darkness...Who, luck would have it, is working from his home in NJ).
When every I think my life is getting difficult I do laugh at myself, because I do have many perfect moments. Like when Adam and I dance and talk about how absurd everything is, or taking a two hour lunch with Robert (like I did today) to order a bottle of wine at a sushi restaurant over looking the Metropolitan Opera House where our artist perform; Sitting in Washington Square park like Matt and I did this past weekend sitting on a bench in perfect weather listening to a three piece jazz band, or the week before when we watched (from the very same bench Campbell Scott) shoot his next movie.
Talking to my brother Matisse about his new son, and my new nephew Carter, and talking to my other brother Mondrian about politics and life in general.
I meet so many new friends here that I adore, like Vernonica who I have 5 min bursts of telephone conversations where we try and catch up with each other, or Amanda how is one of the most geninue people I have meet in a long time...
I love all the music in this city.
I love all the mistakes (there has been quite a few) that I have made so far because whatever I did wrong in a relationship or job; it brought me here to New York.

"Is jaded bitch your only flavor?"

(pictured are my best friends: my boyfriend matthew and tanya b.)

Yes. This is my new favorite line from the IFC show "Minor Accomplishments." Why? Because Jaded Bitch is to Maya as Red is to Apple. I can't figure it out. Except to say that living in New York is the best place to live if you are a naturally jaded human being.
I complain constantly, "why is this fucking train delayed?" "why is the fucking weather so shitty!" "why does my boyfriend want have sex ever fucking second of the day!" etc. etc.
The greatest part is, no one around me ever says, "buck up little camper...You live in the greatest city in the world!" No one says that to me, because they are with me...well, complaining. That sounds bad, but if you are one of my very good and dear friends, you probably spend the majority of your day venting (bitching); and I am you friend, because I will support you in your annoyance, your frustration and boardline nervous breakdowns, because bitching to us, is like a good tension relieving message...I know that my friends and I are all basically very positive (when it counts), it just pisses off that there is so much frustrations in our daily adult lives.
Besides that I am unbelievably good at being a bitch. I work in office where I am the only female in my division. I have never seen so many men afraid of me (except for my ex-boyfriends). If I am having a bad day, they won't come any where near my office door, or if they have to, they won't look me in my eye.
I realized the other day, that part of my frustration is due to the fact that my office is an "old (wasp) boys club" where deals are still made in the men's bathroom, the CEO of the company has never introduced himself to me, but he has introduced himself to the young caucasian male that sits in the cubicle in front of my office. My boss is a bigot, sexist, homophobic,(i'm sure he is probably racist too, but the thing about be black/spainish is, you don't usually get to hear the racist words flying while in an office environment) prick, that says things to me like, "I would never cuss infront of lady like you ..." Man..if he only knew.

New York...New York...And random thoughts

It's been a little over three years now since I moved to New York....it's been overwhelming...Beautiful, full of anxiety, brilliant, terrifying....Some of the most amazing moments of my life have happened here. I think that might be why I don't write anymore. Anyone who has ever known me, knows that I used to write in a journal every night...I haven't written once since I have been here...For some reason, I decided to start now, except in this form (blog)... I liked reading about Kelly Roberts' and Ama Reynolds' life so much that I thought I would try and start sharing mine..

I just moved to the West Village last night from Park Slope. West 3rd Street. My favorite pub there is Chumley's, where T.S. Eliot, Hemingway and Fitzgerald used to sit and drink...it's an old speak easy, and although the crowd is now heavy in the pocket book, it's still feels good to have a drink where there was once these brilliant men and women.

I now live next store to the Blue Note Jazz Cafe, where the late Sarah Vaughan and Dizzy Gillespie used to perform, a few paces away is the IFC theatre. As Matt and I walked down to the IFC, I saw a man that smiled at me. I waived. I thought I knew him. It was Paul Giamatti from "American Splendor." I realized I didn't really know him, I had just seen his movies. That happens all the time here.

I am surrounded by people here, but it is comfortable to me, a single person in the mass. I find myself narrating my life here (like the crazy person that I am).

Two weeks ago I was walking down 7th ave in Brooklyn, exhausted, not wanting to go to work, I was stressed out about moving into the city (excited too). I walked into the subway tunnel waiting for the Q train and a violinst begin to play. Everyone feel silent in the subway and just listened... it was so beautiful.

Sitting on the subway differs day to day for me. Sometime I have children stare at me wanting to talk to me, sometimes I see a very beautiful man and I wished that I looked better that day, sometime there is a performer that's just brilliant, but most of the time everyone looks so sad...and why not, public transportation can be very depressing!