Ameripean

pictures: me (maya) & bret (new zealander), matt (hungarian), birk (german), and sophie (french)

Lately I have been told "Are you sure you are American? You seem more European to me?"
I have been told this half a dozen times since I have been living in New York, and by Europeans nonetheless.

I wasn't sure why exactly I had been told this, so I've asked a few of my European friends. Their responses were:

"You very passionate, you don't keep anything bottled up inside, that's not very American, non?"

"You love pleasure, and don't feel guilty about it, you feel you deserve it, that's very European."

While these two items are somewhat true (especially the "I don't keep anything bottled up thing"), I do love passion and pleasure, however, I do feel guilty about these things. I am American in this way. I don't think I have been someone that has avoided the puritanical vibe altogether. Sometimes when things are so beautiful around me and I find myself sliding into "Joie de vivre" I start to feel that I don't deserve it and the guilt/gloom comes back and I think "Yep, that's more of the way I am suppose to feel."

I think this is why I have confused every European man that I have dated (which has been, ehem, a lot lately: German, Swedish, Turkish, French, and Russian) They think they are getting an American women, head strong, slightly repressed, and who will be swept away by their European ways (passion, long discussions on philosophy, politics, pleasure, food, and oh, passion); but what they get instead is what I will call an "Ameripean" (aka a New Yorker) no nonsense, slightly jaded, enjoys long discussions on philosophy, politics, pleasure, food, and passion, but just don't carried away buddy or I’ll start getting annoyed.

There is something to be said about getting rid of guilt, this idea that we don’t deserve pleasure, that it should be a reward for hard work done and that there should be a limit on it once we are enjoying our self "I've being relaxing for about 30 minuets now...I'll relax for about 10 more minutes, but then I really need to get something done." It is ingrained in most of us the we must always accomplish, always achieve. I know, this has been apart of my genetic make-up since I can remember. I still have moments of feeling anxious if I am not planning, creating, doing, working out, etc.

I am working on this, but it is easier said then done. These are the things that I have done to try and push my joy forward and to remember pleasure again:

I laid down in my living room and listened to Bach (Concerto for Two Violins in D minor) and did nothing else except listen to the violins swirl above my head.

I poured my self a glass of wine and sat on my roof and watched the sunset over Chinatown reflecting off of the Manhattan Bridge Arc.

Told a man where I would like to be kissed and how (sounds demanding, but trust me he loved it!)

Spent way to much on a pedicure and manicure just to have both my hands and feet pampered (and took and hour and half lunch doing it...damn the boss).

I still have to work on this, in the next two years I want to travel, or at the vary least feel better about relaxing and being creative. I told a friend of mine yesterday that my work environment was stressful, and that my boss is toxic, that I wanted to be more creative and I am worried that this environment is hindering it- to which she said "Maybe the environment is making you more creative that you need the stress of it to me creative." Thank God I know that is not true. I feel that if I was in a better environment more of my ideas would flow. After all some of the times when I was most creative in my life was when I was in a low stress environment. I don't believe I need adversity to be creative, only a quite room, a typewriter, and perhaps a little Bach in the background, maybe that is the European part of me.