The Struggle Between the Two

Over extended this month. I put my head down sometime in December, and put my head up and it is April. I have been running around town like a crazy person trying to get everything done and it just occurred to me yesterday...You can not have two meetings at once.
I have double scheduled myself twice this week and it is only Wednesday.
The other night, after going to the grocery store and getting my hair done, I ran into the liquor store to get a bottle of wine, when Sam (KR's tour manager) called me- "Maya, we just checked into the hotel room, we are on the way to the radio station now, did that show get confirmed in Atlanta?" As I tell him "Great!" and "Yes it did" the man behind the counter rings me up. I run out of the store, down the subway stairs, swipe my card, and realize that I don't have my Blackberry on me. As it is like a third arm to me these days, I realized it right away. I run back up the subway stairs, run down the street, praying that I left it at the liquor store, and that no one stole it.
Right when I walked in- the man behind the counter hands it to me.."You better slow down honey! You don't want to lose this." He says with a smile.

"Thanks! Thank you!" I say running back out of the store.

I really didn't mean to make myself this busy. It wasn't my intention. I just knew that if I wanted to make the kind of money that I want to make WHILE trying to produce and be creative all at the same time, that there is not much time for sleep and even less time for play.

Of course I tried to ignore all of that this last week.

After meeting KS the week before, I looked him up on Myspace. Sure enough he was there and 21!?! Oh god. What? There is no way! He didn't seem 21. God, when did I become a cradle robber?
This is the second time this year I have attracted someone under 23 (and have been attracted to them). Either they are mature beyond their years, or I am..ehem...immature beyond mine. I think I know the answer to that. Dang.
As Drew Barrymore said "I am a women in business and a child in relationships." I don't want this to be true, but apparently I don't know what the hell I am doing in matters of the heart.
I wrote him anyway. He has a great sense of humour, incredible sweet, and a warm laugh. "There is no harm in getting to know him" I say to myself.
We go on what I consider an unofficial date.
A date to me it is-well, when you make time to linger over dinner and talk to each other about each others lives. Not meeting at a bar for a 20 min conversation that the two of you had to schedule in in-between your other meetings (what KS and I did). We both realized that we live busy lives, that we have a few of the same interests (mostly music) and more importantly- we are attracted to one another.
Later that week we schedule a time to basically bump into one another- which we did. I was have drinks with Anica, Nyree, and Mark at Diva and he and his brothers friends were celebrating his brothers birthday at the next door pub.
The evening started with good conversation, followed by a long drive around Manhattan (we both didn't know how to get to the L.E.S. in a car- subway yes. Car, no.) topped off by dancing (which he is great at), ending with a marathon kissing session (which he is even greater at) in the vestibule in front of my apartment building.
I went to bed that night (um- morning) with a smile on my face at 5am, only to be woken up by the one man that can wipe it off at a moments notice- The German, who calls me at 8:30am.

"Hi D." I said still half a sleep

"What you did last night? You still sleepin'?" He said in his German/Bronx accent.

"D, not all of us are German and wake up on a Saturday morning by 8:30am."

"Did you get my text last night?" He said.

"Um..no, I didn't see it." Of course I did, but it was 3am, and I was dancing with KS, I didn't want it to change my good mood. "What's up D?"

"You want to get brunch with me? In an hour?"

"D, that's not brunch that's still breakfast, how about 11am."

"Ok mamita. See you at 11am."

D and I have been dancing around each other for three years. I swear, every time I am about to start crushin' on someone else- he calls, he texts, and he emails. He knows that I won't be as available to him (and lord knows- he's never been that avail to me).

We meet at Astor place at 11am, well 11:15, I am always running 15 min behind these days. He looks beautiful as per usually. He comes over and gives me a long hug, he never does that.

"You alright D?" I said rubbing the top of his shaved head.

"Yeah, I'm 'aight. Let's go eat."

I see the tattoos around his writs, he has fully sleeved arms, legs, his back is fully done, he reminds me of the Berlin wall, only in the three years I have known him, I have never been able to tear down his wall.

We sit across from each other smiling, he wants me to do all the talking- "I thought you said I talk too much?" I say to him. "I never said that, I like when you talk. Tell me something new."

"Wow, you are being way to agreeable today- what's going on?" I say reaching out to touch his hand.

I sense his loneliness. I love D. I'm just not in love with him, not anymore. He senses that. We sit on a bench after brunch and I hold his hand. He scares me sometimes, his moods, how deep they run, how quiet he gets. I make him laugh, we talk about work, we talk about the future, we know we always want to be in each others lives, but not as lovers anymore, just as friends- too many complications if we tried to go back there. Graffiti artists are notorious bad boys and he is not exception to that rule. We are passing ships to one another. When he meet me, I had a long term boyfriend, when I broke up with Matt, he has a serious girlfriend, when he broke up with her...our patience with each other had wained.

I walk him to the train. He leans against the shell of the Astor place subway stop, he waits for something. I don't know what, for me to say something, for me to hug him. I lean in an give him a small kiss good-bye.

"I'll call you." He says as he starts to walk down the subway stairs.

"I know D." I just never know when, and I need just a bit little more then that.